Why Reconcile?

What follows are not reasons why you should reconcile with your former spouse.

A few months ago, my ex-husband called to discuss the possibility of reuniting. My heart animated, pulled the file, and asked, “Did that just happen?”

In defense of his humanity, he is not the only man who has made decisions to change the direction of family life. I will not bash him, but hard talks must take place.

Hopefully, someone will think twice and avoid troubling their home with an affair because some people are through with the marriage after that first and only time. 

Divorce is no joke.

I digress.

Back to the debriefing I had with my heart.

There are people who abandon good love for what appears to be better love in that someone new they claim to love madly. You plead your case to save the marriage with a walk down memory lane. Recalling moments of long talks, sweet kisses, candlelight dinners garnished with flirty whispers and nights to remember; hoping, there will be a change of heart. However, your spouse stands by the choice to dissolve the marriage, move on and make new memories. 

So, you oblige. I obliged. I moved on with life and its riddles.

What did I do wrong?

In my debriefing, I wondered (again) if there was something different I could have done to save the marriage. Like, wait out the affair a little longer; the way I’ve heard it done by other women. The reward being an unbroken home with bragging rights of a strong family legacy.

Building a family legacy is the goal, right?

Then, I remembered a discussion where my ex-husband says it was not my fault. I wondered, “How is it not my fault? Don’t people make decisions to leave their families because of some fault in the mate? Why not point out the fault so something can be done about it instead of using it like supporting documentation to go through with an affair?

What is the secret to long, happy marriages?

Only the happily married know for sure. What worked for their marriages was a deal breaker in mine. I tried working to save the marriage by forgiving … talking it over … forgiving … accepting apologies … forgiving … listening to reasons … forgiving … talking it over.

When reality sets in.

I accepted life is different for me. Enough time has passed where memories of betrayal do not spark my emotions. It feels like a dream. In that passing of time, certain life events took place where only the children attended.

I imagined being there to support the children emotionally; even though they were grown. Then I thought of the awkward feelings my presence would make and trusted the kids to get through just fine.

Happy endings and better days.

I count myself better than lucky to be in my current situation. Everything happens for a reason. My divorce happened for a reason. I have peace. I assured my ex-husband things will get better with him and his wife. Sure, it would have made a perfect revenge move; but that is stress.

Reconciliations can be the sweetest of reunions. I’ve done them several times.

Have You Tried to Love Again?

Wanting to be in love or wanting to be special to someone is not a secret. Look at all the dating sites. Dating apps. Blogs. Workshops and webinars on loving again. You can’t bring yourself to try any of them? Is it pride? For me, it might be. It feels desperate to me. Yeah, I know there are happy endings out there from online love, but that last breakup at this point in my life has me thinking: Do I want to love again?

What’s Your Current Situation?

Many single people will tell you they like not having to answer to anyone. I like not wondering. I like not wondering about whether or not there’s any cheating going on.

What Makes You Step Back from Love?

Each time I think of giving love one more try, I think about how some people have the skill to look into your eyes and lie. I guess watching programs about couples in love changing to couples in drama has sobered me up from being drunk on love.

I often think about being part of another family. Dealing with the ones who will accept me. Dealing with the ones who won’t. I think about my children and what they’d have to go through battling over my estate with in-laws should I die before my new love.

Are You Thinking About Love Again?

Talking about whether to love again can sound like you’re confused. And that’s because there is a degree of confusion. I’ve done so many times since my divorce. Thinking: Should I? Shouldn’t I? My heart is clear. Speaking of heart being clear; if one of those thoughts are clinging to your ex, you should wait until your thoughts let go of your ex emotionally before getting into a new relationship.

If you’re thinking about love again, you can do it. Ain’t nothing like being in love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Celebrated Love

Like gentle waves of sunlight over peaceful waters comes the brightness of his smile as I reach to hold him close after an eternity of a day without him. He makes me smile just showing up.

The dance in his eyes starts a song in my heart and I sway. He releases my hand to walk through the room, but I hold on to walk with him. There’s…that…smile. Only to watch the strength of his frame do I let go as he guides his coat to its place.

I position myself at his side to feel the hum of his body like a fine-tuned engine. The rumble of his voice flutters my heart and divides my focus between what he tells of his day and what I see as he speaks.

Simple pleasures are rich with him in my world. I frequent memory lane to visit where we traveled on our courtship journey. The restaurant of our first meal. Private concerts of his favorite songs delivering his message to my heart. A friendly game of Scrabble with a tie-breaker yet to be announced.

Time has not curbed my excitement at the thought of him. I yet squeal like a school girl when I see him. His laughter is a love song I play over and over again when he goes away.

Default Intro: This Is My Friend

What do you call your significant other who has not made it clear he wants you to be his lady or that she considers you her man? Indecision complicates a relationship when a man or woman is forced to read between the lines to guess where the relationship is headed or where they stand with each other. Some people advocate women being aggressive to let a man know she is interested in him. That is a matter of personal standard, but traditionally, the man initiates pursuit.

In these times, there are still mixed signals sent about what is out of date and what is the new thing. As Jill Scott’s “Fact Is” renders, “some things just don’t change.” If a man does not let a woman knows where she stands with him, she is not going to assume she can announce or introduce him as “my man.” The default label will be “my friend.” Ambiguous use of “my friend” has been the root of many break ups.

When there is no commitment except to be casual sex partners, the label cannot be my fiance. The description might be “this is my friend.” If the relationship is in its early stages and the two are not quite sure about each other, then each will describe the other as “my friend.” Unfortunately, my friend also describes a wholesome platonic relationship where neither party is interested in the other except to be good friends.

Only a man in love will risk rejection to be bold enough to let the woman know exactly how he feels.  This helps her know where she stands in his world. So the introduction will be, “this is my man” or “this is my love” rather than this is my friend.

One More Chance

Personal standards, opinions, and values are unique as fingerprints. So is every relationship. Many couples enjoy the company of mutual friends of the opposite sex, but what happens when a friend is revealed involuntarily by circumstances?

Liza sat in her office gazing at the picture of a man she knew was the love of her life. She and Jacob realized their attraction was more than just good neighbors with shared interests in music, poetry, and all things fun. He noticed her the first day he saw her. “There is just something about her. She’s different.” Jacob confided in his buddy Marshall while they browsed the latest studio software. Liza was like a teenager in love. She told her best friend, Debbie, “He is such a gentleman. So polite and generous” as she displayed the pair of earrings Jacob gave as a birthday present.

Everyday, Liza replays the questions Jacob asked, “If nothing was going on between you and your so-called friend, why didn’t I know about him until almost two years after you and I became closer? You say nothing is going on! Does his wife know you and him discussed their marriage over a meal? Why is he always available to you? Both of you were cheating! THAT’s why! I didn’t know about you meeting with him behind my back! That’s cheating! His wife didn’t know about you meeting with him behind her back! That’s cheating! I don’t believe you did not have sex with him! You did everything else with him! I thought you were different! You’re just like all the rest!”

The door slammed. Startled by the noise, Liza looked up at the couple who arrived for their two o’ clock appointment for counseling. This was their ninth session on the very situation that made Jacob end their nearly two-year relationship: Liza’s failure to mention a friendship with another man.

Working with this couple was like watching her and Jacob all over again, but this time, a happy ending was in sight. This young lady did the opposite of what Liza did with Jacob and mentioned her male ties as soon as she and Jacob were clear they were together for life. She laid out every detail of each relationship and it took these many sessions of their pre-marital counseling along with the men and their significant others before her fiance began to believe she did not have sex with these men.

After it was revealed she did not compromise their love, the young lady was concerned her word was not good enough. She took issue with not being trusted. Liza could still hear Jacob, “If you had told me about your friend from the beginning, I would have accepted him as a friend too because you were up front with me, but you continued to see him behind my back while you claimed you loved me!”

“Thank you Miss Liza for helping us get through this tough time.” The young lady’s fiance looked so much like Jacob. Liza fought back tears when they announced the wedding will go on as planned. It was perfect timing because the young couple thought Liza fought back tears of joy. “I have an announcement too. This is my last session. I am retiring my career of counseling to pursue another passion. I am honored to have this final session conclude with happiness for a couple so deserving of love.”

How Sweet Is Your Love?

If men and women would walk away from relationships at the first sign of foolishness AND not be concerned about what people think AND not be afraid of losing the person doing the foolishness, they stand a better chance at happiness and to be available for the right person.

So you advise just have a heart-to-heart talk, reach an understanding, and work things out? If you had more than one heart-to-heart talk about the same foolishness and your heart is not happy, whose heart is not in the relationship?

You married the person regardless of the foolishness because you thought the foolishness would eventually stop? Loving someone involves risk. So true. It is like choosing a piece of chocolate hoping you get one with a filling on the inside you will enjoy.

There are two ways to handle a piece of chocolate you discover has a filling on the inside you do not enjoy. One, you can keep the piece of chocolate and adjust to its flavor. Two, you can put it back and choose another piece of chocolate.

Break Up Remorse

We live in times where couples are advised to be proactive in maintaining separate identities while becoming one love. Transitioning from a single life to a relationship is not done with sketched out details. You just fall. Well, maybe not quickly, but attachment happens so gradually you do not realize how deeply in love you are until a break up happens.

At best, the details will be like notes of a public speaker who finds the atmosphere of the hall or vibe from the crowd demands a slight change in how to give the message. Taking it one day at a time (or one date at a time) is like jotting notes for a lesson in how to give love to your new love.

Fine tuning a relationship to screen for common values about love and respect can be discussed, but it is the equivalent of asking a person, “What will you do in a crisis situation?” The best answer is, “I will not know until it happens.”

Over a romantic dinner, people can talk a good game about love, respect, and commitment in a relationship, but only time will reveal if these values are in the heart.

In love, what is no big deal to one person can be a big issue to the other person. An offense may include something like being called cheap when you are the one who foots the bill on every date or help with emergency money matters. Or perhaps you are offended and consider it a jealousy or a control issue when made aware your outgoing ways are considered flirting.

Whatever the offense in love, what matters most is what happens once the offense or discomfort is made known. If a man or woman cannot, or refuses to, distinguish the difference between what is involuntary (actions which they cannot control) and what is voluntary (actions which they can control), they may lose what has been a good thing up until the offense.

Countless men and women stand their ground on matters that, if they were to change, would only make the relationship stronger. So many look back knowing the victory they gained standing their ground was not worth the love they lost.

New Love in Blossom

Be true to yourself and you will not have to explain later. Actually, you have a right not to explain anything to anyone at all how you went from saying, “All the good ones are taken!” to “I have a good one this time!”

You can get caught up thinking about what the ladies may think or what the fellas may say or you can just flow with new love. The choice is always yours to make and it is a choice with which you must live. People mean well giving advice. The heart wants who the heart wants.

Of course, there is a chance your new love might not be a good choice, but by whose opinion? On the other hand, there is a chance you and your new love might be perfect for each other as long no red flags unfurl.

Give yourself a chance at love. The best advice cannot stop the risk of love. Dare to risk loving and being loved.

But “what if” what? If you have not been given a reason not to trust, enjoy the freshness of new love. Enjoy the smile in your heart. Enjoy the beauty of happiness in your life. Let new love grow you into a blossom of joy. You have learned how to be happy by yourself.

Now be happy with someone who is happy about making you happy. Take in all the thoughtful things done with you in mind. Give back like nature does when tender loving care is a constant force.

Like a seed breaking forth from a winter’s sleep, let love blossom from your heart. You deserve the affection shown to you. Reciprocate. Go ahead. Buy a box of chocolate. Give a flower just because. Don’t even think about the new love is too good to be true. Let new love be good to you. Let the beauty of new love blossom you like nature in the Spring. Be refreshed.

Bittersweet Love

Love is an ongoing hot topic no matter what culture or ethnic group destiny and DNA has assigned you. It is easy to get tired of hearing about relationship issues as we are constantly exposed to happy and horrific tales of love in the virtual world and real life. Yet, some of us still hope to share love with someone who loves us in return.

Unfortunately, love does not screen out men and women who harbor bitterness from past relationships. Sometimes, the heart wants someone who does not know how to begin to heal or how to love again without lashing out.

The unfinished business of a bad relationship is passed on to the new love who becomes torn between decisions to work it out or walk away. Sometimes, embittered people may ask for more than can be given in an effort to feel secure from hurt in a new love. 

A bad marriage has left many with a bitterness only true love can conquer. Of course, there is triumphant love, but those inspiring stories of love have yet to convince some bitter hearts to open up and love again. Many people decide never to marry again.

They would rather risk being hurt in a relationship with no commitment to marriage than risk hurt in a marriage. Such is the rationale of a bitter heart. Love will always have risks.

Freedom to choose how to love and who to love has created interesting situations; however, the difficulty comes when you discover the one you love is brave enough to enjoy your company, but too fearful to commit to marriage. Understanding the reason for the fear and being patient with the process of healing can take you into years of bittersweet love.

The Other ‘C’ Word

Control. What is so uncomfortable about control it makes a person decide to end a relationship? Could it be the gentle demands of monogamy might be confused with illicit control? In the law of love, respect seeks reciprocity.

For example, if a person demands time to be heard, refuses to take time to listen; and then, insists the other person stop trying to be heard, that is a serious violation and illicit control as it relates to laws of true love.

Even the label “insecure” has been applied to a mate who inquires about a change in schedule or behavior. The familiar counterpoint of trust would be a valid response had it not been for cases where suspicions of cheating were proven true. However, just because a person asks questions about a change in schedule or behavior, does not mean there is suspicion of cheating.

Surely, certain careers have aspects requiring blind trust because travel and time away may be part of the job. Business demands include a network of male and female associations. Now comes the challenge of working to build or maintain trust.

How much value is given a relationship? What factors determine whether a mate is worth time and effort of building trust? It is possible a person who does not believe it is necessary to work to build trust will (most likely) be the one spewing accusations of control.

In this case, resentment and frustration take root in both people. Why? The reason is the accuser of control will resent attempts to be enrolled in discussion and the one being accused of control will become frustrated for being shut down.

This creates a change of view about the relationship because new questions arise to assess whether it is worth “heart work” to reach an understanding and save the relationship.

If the person is not considered worth the time and effort of heart work, it will take little effort to keep options open to start a new relationship with someone else.