Love Tested But Not Approved

Whether riding on a bus, train, standing in a checkout line or sitting in a waiting area, you are subject to hear someone talking about relationship issues. Across cultural lines, ring the universal pain and pleasure of love.

Before giving up on love, many couples seek professional counseling to get unbiased advice. In other cases, professional relationship counseling is sought to maintain privacy.

Whatever the reason, a natural inclination is to wonder what kind of relationship the potential counselor has with his or her mate; or moreover, does he or she have a mate at all?

Most people want counsel from someone who meets a personal standard before listening to the advice, such a requirement is not unreasonable. However, the question is, “If the requirement is met, does this mean the advice will be applied?”
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Harvey, Steve. Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy and Commitment. Harper Collins.

Simpson, Bonnie. What Is For Worse? AUTHORHOUSE. MAY 2008. 176 Pages.

Red Flags: Tough Decisions

“Follow your first mind,” is common advice given (sometimes) when seeking counsel to make decisions about love. A common scenario is hindsight replaying the moment in a relationship where a red flag with sirens and flashing lights was ignored long before marriage.

As we go through life and love, we adjust tolerance levels based upon experiences. We developed low tolerance for anyone threatening a sustained state of joy and happiness until we meet this one person with whom we imagine sharing a lifetime.

So sweet and mesmerizing is the vision, we use it as a point of reference when deciding to ignore a red flag; and then, we support the decision with, “everyone tolerates something in every relationship.”

What is a red flag? The answer is what was done that made you uncomfortable? Or what was said to which you took offense? Is your mate willing to discuss the issue? Or is it unfinished business because your mate tells you to dismiss the issue?

Is it a red flag you can afford to ignore? Your joy and happiness is a high price to pay.

Do You Hear Yourself?

Imagine being able to talk to someone at will about relationship issues as soon as a turn of events occur in your love life. If no one is immediately available after a few phone calls, what do you do?

Several years ago, a woman told me she and her husband made a pact, even before they got married, never to discuss their business with anyone outside of their relationship. Neither the husband or wife shut down when the other wanted to talk; no matter how inconvenient.

At the time, they were married over thirty years; and as far as I know, they are yet married. By now, you have bits of wisdom about love you gained from your own experience.  A few basics you have learned; no one is without faults, every relationship has trouble, and the relationship bundle of love, respect, trust, communication and commitment will not be accepted if a component is missing.

Of course, many people negotiate relationship contracts and the commonly omitted component is commitment. Both people agree not to commit to the relationship until one of them act upon the agreement.

At this point, the man or woman discovers a desire for more than friendship; however, fear of driving away a potential love inspires customizing the relationship bundle to do just enough to keep the other person at his or her disposal.

You have a gut reaction to such an idea, but you do not say what is on your heart at the time you hear it. No one is around to help you weigh your thoughts. Your heart’s memory is jogged by your gut reaction, but are you listening to what they are saying?

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Elmore, Ronn. Dating, Waiting and Recognizing Your Soul Mate. CD.

Sozio, Donna. Never Trust a Man in Alligator Loafers. Kensington Publishing Corporation: 2007.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Glitz of Love and Family Wealth

To exercise an individual right or freedom to live out the credence of individual thought is a big responsibility when it comes to love and family wealth. The evidence of misallocation of individual freedom is in the collateral damage of a broken family spirit.

In some cases, family poverty is a direct result of a man exercising his right not to marry and not to provide for a family. In other cases, family poverty is a direct result of a woman exercising her right to ignore signs and/or wise counsel the man she adores is not a good choice; and will not accept his role as head of the family.

Such cases might create jobs for non-profit organizations, qualified mental health professionals, unemployment branch offices, substance abuse counselors, probation officers, and department of human services.

Moreover, such cases may invoke compassion from those who volunteer at homeless shelters, food pantries, and soup kitchens providing service to broken families who are working to improve their conditions.

One can counterpoint the individual man or woman should have exercised his or her individual right to opportunities for education to get a good paying job to avoid poverty, but will the admonishment help the morale of the family living in poverty?

There are other reasons a family may fall at or below poverty level such as chronic illness generating high medical expenses or sudden death of the person responsible for the sole income of the family.

Some men and women have become well informed and use language learned in therapy sessions or heard on talk shows with guest psychologists to self-diagnose their reason for exercising their right to be irresponsible when it comes to building family wealth.

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Harvey, Steve. Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. CBSOnline. 27 JAN 2009.

Jones, Noel. It’s Your Time to Shine. YouTube. 26 MAR 2010.

 

 

His and Her Faults

Some men say upfront they do not want a relationship. They just want to have sex; that is all. If the woman forfeits the opportunity to let him walk, then she is accountable for the hurt she suffers. This does not mean she deserves to be hurt.

I was told a woman has influence over the direction of a relationship. If she decides to accept a man’s approach, she is considered to have absolute control over every aspect of the encounter.

The woman is held accountable to screen a man for sincerity and intentions even after he gives her flowers and candy, takes her out to dinner, shares why he is alone, why he is interested in her and why he chose her to be in his life.

She is expected to know exactly how much time is required to determine if a man wants to commit to a relationship, but there is another type of man.  He may never say he wants a relationship, but he knows his actions of spending a lot of time with a woman might be interpreted he is committed to her.

Granted, announcing commitment is no guarantee either a man will commit. Exposure to such deception can hurt a person so deeply, it distorts thinking to the point he or she treats a new love as the one responsible for the hurt.

Many times, the hurt in a relationship happens because neither person is open about what is desired or what is expected because they do not want to offend or put pressure on the other. This is one reason why people are in and out of relationships.

One person may want a committed relationship and the other person just wants the benefits of a committed relationship with the choice to keep his or her options open for love elsewhere.

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Game Conscious Love

At this stage of life and love, we have heard extraordinary stories of a person who is not serious about love, does not know how to love; but, has the ability to convince someone who wants real love into believing a solid relationship is in progress.

The unsuspecting person realizes they were the equivalent of shoes tried on with no plan to buy. If we learned from mistakes, we no longer ignore the red flag with our new love. What if the red flag is a false alarm?

How dependable is the old saying, “If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it must be a duck?” We can be so game conscious that we will confront and accuse our new love of cheating.

Blind trust is your decision alone, but giving love a chance will always involve risk. Questionable actions challenge our minds to allow time to give answers the other person may never utter.

Yes, being forthright has its place. Are you prepared to deal with the shift in your relationship if you act upon what appears to be a game in progress only to find no game is under way?

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Love Investments Matter than Money

T. D. Jakes; MANPOWER CONFERENCE 2011: BREAKING NEW GROUND

Take the 5 Love Languages Quiz

Soul Mate Guaranteed?

Long before my journey of love, I heard the church was the best place to look for the love of your life. I never thought about looking because my parents taught me the male did the chasing.

I did not pursue; but my eyes were quite pleased looking at fearfully and wonderfully crafted masculinity.  If the man displayed no interest, he never knew I was interested in him. I digress. Faith, love, and happiness in marriage are expected from individuals professing a relationship with God.

Surely, a relationship beginning on the pews is a good start to happy-ever-after. However, the divorce rate among Christians betrays the saying, “A family that prays together stays together.”

Today, I say, “A family that prays together is just a family that prays together.” There are a number of factors to consider in the dissolution of any marriage.  If an individual Christian is not exempt from trouble in life, why do people expect trouble in Christian marriages to be non-existent? Why is there such a need to have that one special person to keep us company throughout life?

Many claim they do not need anyone in their lives; and they are happy with Jesus alone. If that is the case, there is no reason to male-bash, degrade women, or to wonder who will be next in your life. Just be alone with Jesus.

At this point, some people feel all hope is lost of being happy with anyone if you cannot trust a man or woman who goes to church to be a good choice for a soul mate.

The role of husband and wife is explained in the scriptures so why is there no guarantee of a soul mate? Love–like faith–is ineffective without the necessary work to allow its influence in our relationships (135).

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United States Divorce Rates for Various Faith Groups

Finding Love: A New Map on the Path to Love

What is for Worse?

BibleGateway Ephesians 5:17-33 KJV

Bishop Noel Jones: Lord Double My Anointing

Men Get Tired Too

There are situations where men are holding their part of the relationship, but the women have a tendency to treat the men as if they are boys. Have you ever seen a man disrespected in public by a woman?

It is disgraceful to see.  Imagine the scene through the eyes of a child. Can you see how a little boy might be influenced to hate women because he did not like the way his mother disrespected his father?

Worse yet, if the father did nothing to defend his honor, imagine the anguish of a son with growing disdain for his father and hatred for his mother. As the son matures (and if there is no mentor), his best effort to defend his manhood may include beating women and calling them every foul word except their names.

Surely, it is no excuse to degrade women, but we must take note and be accountable for our contribution to the hell in the house and the anger in the street. I will be the first to say parents do the best they can because this is true. There are young people with two-parent homes, an abundance of food, clothing, and every electronic gadget on the market to keep them busy who are disruptive as if they had to deal with poverty on a daily basis. 

So what happens? Some men may rebel by refusing to carry out their role as provider and protector because they have been subjected to ungratefulness for their efforts.

You ever listen to the words of a good man who provided everything for a woman who treated him like the dirt on her shoe?

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Diary of a Tired Black Man by Tim Alexander

How to Love a Black Man by Dr. Ronn Elmore

Jumping the Broom (TRAILER)

Letting Go of a Good Thing

How do you rate your current love connection? Sloppy second is not a winning position in love. Career, parenting, and personal rejuvenation create time challenges best addressed by an understanding love.

Balancing time in a relationship with other life events can enhance love when you deem the person in your life worthy of your best time. Couples who display understanding love use every opportunity to express the depth of their love to each other.

When passion for your dream is stronger than passion for the person sharing your dream, pride is given an opportunity to surface when the lack of time spent loving becomes an issue.

People are more likely to defend their right to use their time as they please rather than defend the relationship against failure.

Pride stands against efforts to salvage a relationship because pride is destructive by nature. Pride is blinding because it will not allow scarce time spent on loving to been seen as a delinquency in love attendance.

After pride has run its course, then comes the shame of realizing a good love could still be around to become a better love if humility and wisdom were allowed to prevail.

The quality of time is a strong factor for a good relationship to become a better relationship.  If the quality of time does not improve past quick visits on the way to somewhere else, it is time to let go.

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BlackCounselors.com

Black Relationship Experts

Do WHAT?

The topic of submission for some women is the equivalent of the topic of commitment for some men; it is not going to happen. In fairness, there are women who do not want to be in a committed relationship.

To tell the truth, being submissive or committed does not guarantee loyalty or happiness in a marriage or relationship; but the benefit is a clear conscience you did right by the marriage or relationship.

Some men are aware they are expected to reign as head of the family; however, they may not be aware this does not mean speak to the woman as a child who should obey.

It is at this point, a woman may protest and the man with such a mindset will accuse the woman of being rebellious (or hardheaded) as she responds to his malpractice of authority as head of the house.

When a man demonstrates skill at being in charge, the woman will not have a problem taking on the role of submissive wife. Surely, it is known there are good husbands who know how to treat their wives; and these husbands may confirm they have yet to receive respect from their wives, let alone submission.