The Other ‘C’ Word

Control. What is so uncomfortable about control it makes a person decide to end a relationship? Could it be the gentle demands of monogamy might be confused with illicit control? In the law of love, respect seeks reciprocity.

For example, if a person demands time to be heard, refuses to take time to listen; and then, insists the other person stop trying to be heard, that is a serious violation and illicit control as it relates to laws of true love.

Even the label “insecure” has been applied to a mate who inquires about a change in schedule or behavior. The familiar counterpoint of trust would be a valid response had it not been for cases where suspicions of cheating were proven true. However, just because a person asks questions about a change in schedule or behavior, does not mean there is suspicion of cheating.

Surely, certain careers have aspects requiring blind trust because travel and time away may be part of the job. Business demands include a network of male and female associations. Now comes the challenge of working to build or maintain trust.

How much value is given a relationship? What factors determine whether a mate is worth time and effort of building trust? It is possible a person who does not believe it is necessary to work to build trust will (most likely) be the one spewing accusations of control.

In this case, resentment and frustration take root in both people. Why? The reason is the accuser of control will resent attempts to be enrolled in discussion and the one being accused of control will become frustrated for being shut down.

This creates a change of view about the relationship because new questions arise to assess whether it is worth “heart work” to reach an understanding and save the relationship.

If the person is not considered worth the time and effort of heart work, it will take little effort to keep options open to start a new relationship with someone else.

Price List for Tolerance

Every woman has a list of things she will tolerate from her man in order to keep love alive. What price will you pay to maintain your relationship? Is there an even exchange between you and your mate? For example, your mate demands full attention when it comes to talking about heart issues; but demands you set aside your heart issues for discussion at a later date. If you send out a distress signal to your love the need to talk, how do you handle a slow response, or no response?

Granted, there is a proper time to discuss a matter. Why should you pay the price of rejection to honor your mate’s decision to decline talking about what is bothering you? A lady told me, “You have to put up with something.” I asked, “Do I have to tolerate disrespect in order to have a man in my life?” She said, “No. You don’t have to tolerate disrespect, but some women do.”  There is a popular consensus we teach people how to treat us.  What am I teaching my man when I allow him to dishonor me and say nothing about it? Why must I tolerate his indifference towards me in order for him to feel like the man of the house?

Regardless of graphic stories about women who suffer and died loving a man who did not love them back, there will be women who talk themselves into ignoring red flags. What red flags? When he screamed at you as if he was talking to a dog; that was a red flag. You should have walked away.  As you shared how much you loved him, and he called you every word except your name; that was a red flag. You should have walked away. When you got a phone call from a woman saying your man was her man; that was a red flag. You should have walked away.

What price have you paid tolerating a one-sided love? If you believe you are worth more than the price you’re paying, invest in yourself the time and effort necessary to restore dignity in your life.